inside excellent life
John Wooden’s three sentences for parents, athletes and coaches to compare with their thoughts:
“The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”
“Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.”
“A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.”
At least 20% of the athletes is suffering from depression, the phenomenon regards a athlete on two when they get to the end of their career. When we talk about depression in sport two aspects must be taken into great consideration. The first, the psychopathology produced from neurosis and unstable behaviors is uncommon among the elite athletes, because the sport is already a sort of medicine against this type of event. At the same time, however, there is another risk factor: the choice to depend throughout the lives by achieving sports results, in addition to the contemporary value judgment as a person. So in the event of failure, to be questioned is the athlete whole life. A failure that can lead to a very severe depression and in extreme cases to suicide. The most critical phase in the athletes’ life is the approach to the end career. Here to take the risk and depression it’s the 50%. It does not depend on the popularity of the sport or the academic degree of the person. When you turn off the limelight the lives of former athletes can become empty and dull. Who has been not prepared an alternative to the field ends up in the vortex of depression. In Italy, the “dark evil” affects 6% of adults aged between 18 and 69 years, most of them are women. These data come by the system called ‘PASSI’ coordinated by the National Centre for Epidemiology and Health Promotion (Cneps) – Institute of Health. Also in sports, athletes who have used doping, such as abusing anabolic steroids, they run a strong risk of developing depressive phenomena. That’s why in addition to soccer, cycling, athletics and endurance sports are the sports where the depressive illness is more prevalent. The risk, for many athletes is to lose the contact with the reality. The attention to the athletes’ problems is low. Often the young talents show symptoms of indolence against psychological pressure that undergo to become super-champions: consequently they train and perform poorly. Thus demonstrating to others that there is a problem. Moreover, they are often too stressed by their family, where parents from an early age have encouraged their sons to get always the maximum. To be competitive at all costs.
It’s well known that patience is an important mental skill, allowing to tolerate mistakes and failures. It allows, in fact, do not forget what we are able of doing and continue to use it to achieve our goals. Therefore those who do not have the patience, while refusing to accept the mistakes,they are not exempt from committing more and end up suffering more.
Parents and coaches need to practice this mindset because it allows them to maintain high motivation and belief that with the commitment and dedication to their children and athletes will compete at their best. The athletes, from their side, have to accept as written Lucio Dalla “that life is tough fight, courage and the desire to invent.”
According to The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning at Vanderbilt University, young children experience several stages of development that influence their social and emotional skills from birth—and their empathy. From birth through the first few months of life, babies learn how to react to other people’s actions and emotions from their parents and caregivers. If parents and caregivers express loving, calm attention to their children and others, then babies learn that they are loved, and how to show kindness to others. As very young children learn to understand their own feelings, they also learn to understand, and care for, the feelings of others.
There are many ways that parents and caregivers of young children can help them learn more about their feelings, and how to care and express concern for others. Parents and caregivers can do this by expressing love and attention to their babies from birth. They can also use storytime to talk about how characters in books are feeling—anger, fear, love, or sadness. And songs like “If You’re Happy and You Know It…” can be adapted to express many kinds of feelings.”
(by Too Small to Fail)
“My son wanted to dance then obviously chose football.” So many questions jumped in my head when a coach- dad told me this sentence. I thought: of course, for whom? Who Has chosen? Who is happy now?
Some of these thought I also turn to this dad, unsuccessfully of course, because the narcissism has no eyes and no ears pointing to something other than his dreams and his ideas.
The parents suffering of narcissism are those who love themselves more than anything. Narcissists parents claim a certain behavior from their children because they perceive them as an extension of themselves, and they need that children represent them in the pitch as in the world, to satisfy the parents’ emotional needs. These features bring the parents to be very intrusive in some cases, and completely overlooking in others. If the unmet need is related to football, the son will play it also if no one has ever asked him. The parents meet their need and strengthen their self-image while the child is there to feel the one that inevitably never goes quite well. The child, in these cases, while the impression of belonging to a special breed, he has also the fear of being less interesting than others expect and swings from a sense of superiority, which is likely to make it unpleasant to others, to a sense of inferiority that makes other unpleasant to him.
The narcissist parents are controlling, criticals, self-centered, intolerants toward others, unaware of the chidren’s needs. The usual feeling that these children live is to never be quite well. This feeling of frustration inevitably tend to generate lack of self-confidence.
The interactive dynamic established in these cases has several outlets: either the child adapts him-self to the paretnts’ pressure without apparent disorders (which could explode later in time) or, the balance is broken and the child loudly voice the need to be accepted as a person and not as a “parents’ shadow.” This last reaction can hardly be expressed with clarity and more frequent will determine what it’s called “difficult behaviors”: rebellion, lies, aggression.
The parents’ love to their child is unquestionable, but it often happens that a positive and generous orientation it becomes a negative mechanism, because the affection is not enough respectful of the identity separate of the young. The parents to play a positive must be aware of the children needs children and committed to support and develop them during the developing years.
Probably each of us carries a physiological form of narcissism leading us to be accepted by the others, and if this does not become an obsession no one will be damaged. Here are some questions to ask yourself to assess their degree of narcissism:
In our society, narcissism hits and influences the art of being parents, often we forget that to provide a home, clothes or the latest technology does not mean to be good parents, because the children need a long and continuous work of tuning their emotional states, desires and thoughts and that we teach them how to cope the every day life.
“There are two lasting things that we can bequeath to our children roots and wings.” (William Hodding Carter II )
(By Daniela Sepio)
On Monday we are all soccer coaches and, therefore, at the bar or in the office we speak about players, teams and results with the fervor of those who really could solve the teams’ problems. On the other hand, in Italy we have three sport newspapers, that every day must fill a hundred pages, read by millions of people. So the rule is that every sigh of externalization of a player or a coach are placed well in evidence to give arguments to our bar-reasoning. All this talk would be fine if the main effect was to develop a bar sport culture that runs out in the space of a coffee. Unfortunately, most of those who participate in these discussions are also the parents or grandparents of children, boys, playing football. With the same ease with which they express opinions on the coaches of professional teams, they consider themselves competent to criticize the coaches of their children and the children themselves. When they believe to have this right, they also begins to attack the referees because they are against their team and yell advice on how to play.
There is not a happy ending to this story, because the sport newspapers will continue to enhance the soccer in all its forms since people want to read exactly this kind of news. Luckly always it will always exist clubs, journalists and parents which make sport and soccer culture, but most people want to know every sigh of Icardi or Eto, because they play in the “big” teams and not how Sassuolo and Empoli succeed in the task of playing a good soccer. Not complain then for the spread of violence or fraud in football, because they are the extreme result of this non-sport culture.
The new conditions of growth and socialization, albeit positive, can take the kids not to be able to cope with the complex situations. We live in a changing society, requiring new types of adaptation: in sport, but not only, we pretend the children reach the goals faster than in the past, developing abilities ever earlier, in the same time the basic needs of children have an even smaller space. The consequence of this change is often the child’s invisible social malaise.
Each youth coach, but also the parents and educators, should know that the main tool to stay in touch with children is the listening. Listen means active listening, that it’s the ability to understand the meaning of indirect messages of him/her who is speaking.
The children do not have the richness of the language to express their psychological distress and for this reason they show behavioral changes, becoming what coaches usually call difficult child. Behaviors such as to leave the pitch, not to listen the coach, be aggressive with the teammates, not being able to live the locker room, kick balls off the pitch often labeled as whims or rudeness, are instead most often alarm behaviors. Through them the children unheard by the adults send their hidden messages. Too often the adults’ reactions are the punitive classic behaviors. To deal with these situations it’s important to be creative by observing the children’s behaviors and especially listening to the indirect meaning of their messages. Both the parents and the coaches must know that every deviant behavior is a message they have to understand. Therefore, the first step should always be to ask: what are you telling me? Which is the reason to behave like this? What does it mean this behavior?
In most cases there is only a tool that can help to understand the demand, leading to an educational response: the listening.
The coaches who listen use this approach:
If the coaches want to know their listening skills, they can answer these three questions:
“Nature has given us two ears but only one tongue, because we are required to listen more than talk.” (Plutarco)
(by Daniela Sepio)
We analyze together some data that we have on the reading frequency in Italy, the mental development of children, and try to understand if it could affect their eventual sporting career.
1.
2.
It is not hard to understand from these data and evidences what it should be done to educate young people and that sport would benefit from an education centered on the development of reading. I am convinced that the absence of sport culture found in many countries derives precisely from this kind of ignorance and of which many young people are paying for, ruining their lives well before adulthood.
The past week I met the various faces of youth football: coaches, managers and parents.
What I often notice is the desire of each of these categories to act out of their responsibilities, preferring to misrepresent the other roles, avoiding reflection on themselves and on their ability to change.
Parents, coaches and managers are blaming each other in a game with no winners.
I am very impressed that most of the talks turn into destructive criticism most often taken to hide the responsibilities, rather than to suggest healthy changes.
Constructive critic is a complex skill that includes empathy, communication skills, willingness to listen, managing their emotions and motivation to change. They are skills needed in sports and education to: express thoughts and ideas, identify the feelings, define and respect the individual and other limits, communicate and listen.
The role of educators toward the children implies the ability to assess and intervene on the mistakes made by others but also, and above all, to be able to highlight and corrects their own mistakes.
Constructive criticism, properly used, is used to improve performance, relationships, and, in general, the sense of efficacy of the various actors in the field for the education of children.
Make constructive critic means to understand the reality starting from own knowledge, listening carefully people and facts, accepting contradictory, trying to reach an assessment oriented to the good of the child. One of the deeper reasons for the conflict is not being able to make or accept critics. It is important to learn that our values and our personal opinions are not in danger when they are disputed but rather often reinforce.
How can we recognize a destructive criticism by a constructive critic?
The destructive criticism:
The constructive critic:
“We should make a long conscience examination before thinking to criticize others” (Molière)
(by Daniela Sepio)
I often recognize the coach desire to be in the children world with a warmhearted and sympathetic style. I appreciate this approach but I have to remember that inevitably to lead the children in their path, in life or sport, it needs patient and expertise accompanied by serious efforts to understand their world and guide them in learning. My job, as a sports psychologist, is also to facilitate to the coaches to get in in the children universe, turning my skills in psychological tips, practical and easily accessible. To do that, this time, I decided to borrow a set of guidelines that the famous educator and psychiatrist Susan Isaacs suggests moms and dads, but it fits also to youth coaches, forgetting, too often, the small details of this relationship that if ignored can become great obstacles .
