“My son wanted to dance then obviously chose football.” So many questions jumped in my head when a coach- dad told me this sentence. I thought: of course, for whom? Who Has chosen? Who is happy now?
Some of these thought I also turn to this dad, unsuccessfully of course, because the narcissism has no eyes and no ears pointing to something other than his dreams and his ideas.
The parents suffering of narcissism are those who love themselves more than anything. Narcissists parents claim a certain behavior from their children because they perceive them as an extension of themselves, and they need that children represent them in the pitch as in the world, to satisfy the parents’ emotional needs. These features bring the parents to be very intrusive in some cases, and completely overlooking in others. If the unmet need is related to football, the son will play it also if no one has ever asked him. The parents meet their need and strengthen their self-image while the child is there to feel the one that inevitably never goes quite well. The child, in these cases, while the impression of belonging to a special breed, he has also the fear of being less interesting than others expect and swings from a sense of superiority, which is likely to make it unpleasant to others, to a sense of inferiority that makes other unpleasant to him.
The narcissist parents are controlling, criticals, self-centered, intolerants toward others, unaware of the chidren’s needs. The usual feeling that these children live is to never be quite well. This feeling of frustration inevitably tend to generate lack of self-confidence.
The interactive dynamic established in these cases has several outlets: either the child adapts him-self to the paretnts’ pressure without apparent disorders (which could explode later in time) or, the balance is broken and the child loudly voice the need to be accepted as a person and not as a “parents’ shadow.” This last reaction can hardly be expressed with clarity and more frequent will determine what it’s called “difficult behaviors”: rebellion, lies, aggression.
The parents’ love to their child is unquestionable, but it often happens that a positive and generous orientation it becomes a negative mechanism, because the affection is not enough respectful of the identity separate of the young. The parents to play a positive must be aware of the children needs children and committed to support and develop them during the developing years.
Probably each of us carries a physiological form of narcissism leading us to be accepted by the others, and if this does not become an obsession no one will be damaged. Here are some questions to ask yourself to assess their degree of narcissism:
- I want to always be the recognition of others in order to be satisfied?
- My daily life is too oriented to the judgment of others?
- My focus is oriented toward the others’ feedback?
- I tend to devalue my son in front of his failure?
- I asked my son what does he really like? What does he want to do? What are his dreams?
In our society, narcissism hits and influences the art of being parents, often we forget that to provide a home, clothes or the latest technology does not mean to be good parents, because the children need a long and continuous work of tuning their emotional states, desires and thoughts and that we teach them how to cope the every day life.
“There are two lasting things that we can bequeath to our children roots and wings.” (William Hodding Carter II )
(By Daniela Sepio)
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