The art of listening the “difficult child”

The new conditions of growth and socialization, albeit positive, can take the kids not to be able to cope with the complex situations. We live in a changing society, requiring new types of adaptation: in sport, but not only, we pretend  the children reach the goals faster than in the past, developing abilities ever earlier, in the same time the basic needs of children have an even smaller space. The consequence of this change is often the child’s invisible social malaise.

Each youth coach, but also the parents and educators, should know that the main tool to stay in touch with children is the listening. Listen means active listening, that it’s the ability to understand the meaning of indirect messages of him/her who is speaking.
The children do not have the richness of the language to express their psychological distress and for this reason they show behavioral changes, becoming what coaches usually call difficult child. Behaviors such as to leave the pitch, not to listen the coach, be aggressive with the teammates, not being able to live the locker room, kick balls off the pitch often labeled as whims or rudeness, are instead most often alarm behaviors. Through them the children unheard by the adults send their hidden messages. Too often the adults’ reactions are the punitive classic behaviors. To deal with these situations it’s important to be creative by observing the children’s behaviors and especially listening to the indirect meaning of their messages. Both the parents and the coaches must know that every deviant behavior is a message they have to understand. Therefore, the first step should always be to ask: what are you telling me? Which is the reason to behave like this? What does it mean this behavior?

In most cases there is only a tool that can help to understand the demand, leading to an educational response: the listening.

The coaches who listen use this approach:

• Use the children’s words to show them they have understood the communication
• Repeat and paraphrase what they heard
• Use expressions like, “if I understand you want to say that …”, you’re telling me that … “
• Use non-verbal language to support their communication: they watch the group or the athlete and turn their body toward them
• Recognize the children’s moods, emphasizing their relevance, working to reduce or increase the mood intensity as a function of the situations
• Summarize the children’s thought, highlighting the value of individual/collective contributions to achieve the goals

If the coaches want to know their listening skills, they can answer these three questions:

• Do I spend time listening to my young athletes?
• How do I show interest to listening during the practice?
• What is my most effective way to show interest toward the athletes’ thoughts, emotions and behaviors?

“Nature has given us two ears but only one tongue, because we are required to listen more than talk.” (Plutarco)

(by Daniela Sepio)